The Black Eyed Peas' song, My Humps, has been the source of much contention recently, as evidenced by this recent MetaFilter thread. Perhaps this is with good reason: My Humps is pretty awful.

For example, the band seems especially keen on using the structure,

Whatchu gonna do with all that [body part?] All that [body part] [preposition] [demonstrative adjective] [place where aforementioned body part goes]? / I'm gonna [utilise aforementioned body part in this particular way].

The band's first two attempts at using this are passible if nothing else. They aren't clever; they aren't novel--I'm not making any such assessments, and I'm no Humps-apologist or anything, but:

Whatchu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? / I'm gonna get get get you drunk--get you love drunk off my hump.

and

Whatchu gonna do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? / I'm gonna make make make you scream--make you scream make you scream!

are at least half-thought out. They're stupid, yeah, but in comparison with the broader cannon of similar songs, they aren't exceptionally poor. However, the third time around...

Whatchu gonna do with all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt? / I'm gonna make make make you work--Make you work work make you work!

Did they run out of ideas? Couldn't they nuance the line a bit more or something? "Breast in shirt"--pretty obvious. It seems almost anatomical: along the vast continuum of monikers for "boob," "breast" is barely a step away from "mammary ducts" in the common lexicon. Breast also frequently precedes cancer, which isn't a nice thing to think about in close context with phrases like "my lovely lady lumps." Baaaadbaad no

So I am proposing some alternative/additional lyrics--just to round the work out a little. It's probably way too late, and some of them deviate from the prescribed formula a bit, but at least I won't be blamed for not trying. People would blame me for that, you see, as I am blame-pojken.*

1.

Whatchu gon' do with all that arm? All that arm inside that sleeve? / I'm gon' go and climb a tree--climb a tree tree climb a tree!

2.

Whatchu gon' do with all that Crest? All that Crest inside that tube? / I'm gon' make my molars smooth--make my molars real real smooth!

3.

Whatchu gon' do with all that ear? All that ear on side of head? / I'm gon' hear the Grateful Dead--hear those Grateful Grateful Dead!

4.

Whatchu gon' do with that there pen? That there pen there that I see? / I'm gon' write a paper on John Webster's Duchess of Malfi!

5.

Whatchu gon' do with all that thumb? All that thumb inside that plum? / I'm gon' pull it out of plum--wash that thumb with great aplomb!

6.

Whatchu gon' do with all that thigh? All that thigh nigh to the pie? / I'm gon' thigh at that there pie--knock that thigh pie super high!

7.

Whatchu gon' do with E. coli? E. coli inside thigh pie? / I'm gon' sit and cry cry cry--cry for ruined tasty pie!

8.

Whatchu gon' do with all those Trix? All those Trix inside that box? / I'm gon' taunt coineanach! Coineanach with a vox!

9.

Whatchu gon' do with all that meat? All that meat in van with heat? / I'm gon' say it smells of feet--throw it to crow on the street!

10.

Whatchu gon' do with all those cones? All those stolen traffic cones? / I'm gon' intone trombone tones--trombone tones that sound like moans!

11.

Whatchu gon' do with all those logs? All those logs in woods with fog? / I'm gon' make them into Pogs--make some big Pogs from those logs!

12.

Whatchu gon' do with all that hair? All that hair that goes to there? / I'm gon' donate lots of hair--wigs give bald men nouveau air!

So that would be all I have right now. I've you've any potential contribution for the Black Eyed Peas, I welcome and encourage its submission.


*This means "the blame boy."