On occasion, Dad comes up with semi-ridiculous ideas for artistic projects or future living arrangements which he pursues with undue fervor. He wants to sell handcrafted wooden Swedish horses on eBay. He wants to get an RV and live nomadically in parking lots. Get a houseboat. Acquire trampolines and turn them into big canvases. Record an audiobook anthology of Irish Christmas stories in a squeaky, frightening leprechaun voice for a quasi-inlaw relative he met one time. You get the idea.

Usually, this happens after he drinks caffeinated beverages, which is always funny, because he swears that caffeine does "absolutely nothing" for him. I've written about this kind of thing before.

Within the past few months, though, he's developed a taste for Mountain Dew. Don't know how this came to be, exactly, but the effects, I swear to God, are beginning to rear their chartreusey, highfructosecornsyrupey heads. And in 77-year-olds with no remote claims to creative outlets in snowboarding or 1337 h4x04ing or whatever, these effects show in the strangest ways possible.

Case in point, one afternoon, in the slowly collapsing van as it's being conducted down University Avenue east of 280,

* * *

My studio used to be down here!

Yeah, I know. It was across the highway.

Yes, it was. But I looked all around here for a place before I found that one! Down that road there.

Oh, cool.

All around.

Right.

...

...

Isn't it strange, when you really spend time thinking about it, that there are so many little office and studio spaces all around here all of the time? I mean, I think it's pretty strange. I wonder how many are just empty, just lying dormant. And then I think, you know, it'd be fun to have an art studio again. It'd be someplace to go to; I could put all of my art stuff there. Clear that space by Andy's room, maybe make Andy's room bigger. Or we could put more stuff back there, and we could leave Andy's room the same size as it was! Different stuff. We have so many bankers boxes, geez louise. Bankers boxes full of stuff, and we could put the stuff down in that area I'm talking about. So much stuff. The studio would have the art stuff--you know--the art stuff in it though. Paints. Art stuff. It'd be great! T-squares.

Well, yeah, it would be.

Wax. That wax I have, you know. Put it in the studio.

But I mean...it takes overhead, y'know. You don't have that.

Well, yeah, and that's a problem.

So unless you think you can come up with some pretty lucrative plan from startup...which, I mean, I guess you might be able to do, but people struggle with this kind of thing all the time, right?

Right.

And...I don't know. I mean, I just fear that reentering the commercial art field at this time would be a lot more stress than you'd want to take.

Right.

And you're almost eighty.

Right.

You had a triple-bypass.

Right. Well, I don't think it'd be like...commercial art. I never liked the idea of working for clients. I always felt like...you know, like...I was just doing what they wanted me to do for them. Like I was their employee.

...You kinda were, though. Isn't that how it works?

Well, I figure...I mean, ...it doesn't have to! I could do these projects, see? Like the horses. There's a market for those, and I wouldn't mind making them, and I could sell them myself. I wouldn't use eBay, though. I'd make a webpage!

Uh...

Okay, so I know what you're thinking. You're thinking what Andy's thinking, and he thinks that the horses aren't the best idea. And I'm not thinking they are. No, I'm not thinking that. I think that it's just a good example, though--It's just an example, Dan!

Well...what else would you do with the studio?

...Ha.

...?

Oh, I shouldn't tell you.

Uh oh

You'd laugh. You'd laugh at it, Ho, ho ho!

You realize you'll have to tell me now. I won't laugh.

Well...

What is it?

You might think it's gross.

?

And it can be, but it's also cheerful! We'll put it on t-shirts, bumper stickers...

...Put what?

Well...here it is:

What?

K.Y.P.U.

...

Eh?

...What is that?

... Well, you remember when Andy was here, and we were at Kathy and Richard's house, and we were having a conversation about something, ...

...oh God.

...and I said, ...you know, "Keep your pecker up."

oh God.

Well, Keep your pecker up! That's what it stands for! Hohoho!

I gathered that, Dad.

And Andy didn't believe it was real, and neither did you, but then Basil Fawlty said it! Basil Fawlty said it--it's a very English expression! It doesn't mean...you know...erection over there. Oh boy! "Pecker." Over there, you see, the whole phrase is kind of inspirational. It doesn't mean all of that. But Andy blushed! So it's risqué!

Dad, you can't put that on a t-shirt.

Well, I don't see why not. I mean, they put...you know, ...the word shit on t-shirts.

Yes, they do. You aren't "they" here.

The word fuck.

Right. Please, don't put that on t-shirts.

And I can take it up so many different alleys.

Oh my.

I was thinking, you know, for the periods, put the little M*A*S*H stars in there!

The asterisks?

And then, in the letter "U", I'll make it a bird's nest, and have a cute little birdy in it.

Why are you subjecting the bird to that?

He'll make it cuter, and he'll defuse the sexual connotations. He'll keep the mind off of erections, Ha! It doesn't have to be about erections.

You're saying erections a lot.

And above it, it'll say--and I love this!--"Bertie," you know, spelled T-I-E--very English!,

Okay.

"Bertie says," K.Y.P.U. Keep your pecker up! It'll be very cute.

I bet it will be!

It'll be like this, too; we'd market the shirts on billboards! It'd just say, KYPU. And we'd buy radio spots, and they'd just say, (*in the shrillest voice possible,) Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhypeeyou! Ha ha haa! That's all it'd be for thirty seconds! Kaywhypeeyou! Kaywhyyypeeyooou!

That would make sense to people.

Well, we could have...I could come on first, and I'd say in my Henry Higgins voice, "Bertie says," and then...Oh! Oh it could be just, Kyypuu! Kyypuu! Kyypuu Kyypuu Kyypuuu Kyypuu Kyypuu! Kyypuu Kyypuu Kyypuukyypuu! Kyypuu Kyypuu Kyypuu! Kyypuu! KyyPUU, Kyypuuuu! KYYYYYYPUUUUUU! And then people will start saying KYYPUU! on the streets like that!

People will buy these shirts? This is reason to start a studio? ...What?

Well, it wouldn't be just shirts. Bumper stickers. Postcards! Pins. Stuffed animals! All sorts of things.

...All with pecker?

Magnets! Oh, Yeah, well, it's really pretty inspirational. These are depressing times, you know, and people are cynical, and it'd cheer them up. And it's okay to be cheered up by something that's a little dirty.

What, so you intend to market this thing as the succesor to the 70's smilie face? Or "Baby on Board?" But with erections?

It could be that. I'd be happy if it could be that. Hee hee hee!

Wow, yeah. Wow.

Do we have any iron-on transfer paper at home? You print on it, make t-shirts?

No.

Well, I'm going to get some. They have it at Target, right?

You know, I don't know. Maybe.

I'll keep myyy pecker up! About that. Way up!

I'm pretty sure they have it, though.

My pecker up! Oh, Or how about this!: "Pecker up for a kiss!" It wouldn't have to be kiss! Sour candy! "Pecker up for some Sour Patch Kids!" Or that rock band Kiss! Anything: The Mall of America! Pecker up: It's the Mall of America! It's the Mall of America! Pecker up for Murphy Brown! Ha, you know I like Candice Bergen. It's Murphy Brown! It's Murphy Brown! Peckerpecker Murphy Brown, Next, on KYPU! Grrrrr...Kyypuu!

Heh...it's...it's Murphy Brown...Steer the car, please.

HOOOOOOOOO!